Indian marriage
admin May 4th, 2007
4th of May, 2007
During the one month trip in Bali and Malaysia there was no television.
So today in Thailand when I wake up I started my day by watching the news.
I take the remote control and press the button to find a good channel till I stop in one.
It’s not the news but I stop because of an Indian song ( I like Indian songs).
I look what program they are showing now.
It’s not Thai language, it’s a French channel, anyway I still keep my eyes on it.
The program is showing about Pakistan marriage life.
I don’t understand what they are talking but, from the video I can feel what they want to show.
I saw the lady cry, I know only that if you are not really sad it’s not possible to have those tears.
I think maybe her life after married is not as she expected.
This reminds me about my Indian friend in Gokarna (India in November 2006).
She is a good hearted lady aged 27 years old with a 4 years old son.
Her name is Panlavee and her son’s name is Patika.
She is the sister in law of a big family in the village (9 persons).
Everyday I visit her and her mother-in-law (I call her “Aunty”) at home after I went back from the market.
They always do house work, but this is never a problem and they have time to talk to me.
Everyday we always start by a new topic and one day we start about marriage.
She said Luca’s my good choice. I know she means money and status. I answer suddenly and explain “No”.
He is not my choice but he is someone I love and he loves me so we decided to be together and learn each other.
I remember Panlavee and Auntie look at me and their face showing the question mark(?).
Maybe they want to know why my family is o.k with this.
I explain my culture and tradition.
I can love someone but if my family doesn’t like him it’s also a big problem.
So I think I am same with them just I have the chance to be with someone I love.
But for them they can love someone but it’s doesn’t mean they will always have chance to stay with the man they love.
(I am talking about Indian lady and her family in the village not in Bombay or a modern Indian life style).
After my explanation I ask Panlavee back:
“Is it true that in India the man will choose the lady to marry, and the lady can’t refuse even if there is no love?”
( I know because I watched many Indian movies).
She looked at me and said: “Yes”.
She told me that her husband choose her from many pictures of Indian ladies.
She go to take the picture of her wedding party to show me.
In the meantime her husband come back from outside so he comes to join us and tell me the story:
“My mom showed me many Indian lady’s pictures. I look, then I point my hand to Panlavee’s picture. Then my mother goes to her house and tell them that I choose her.
Then we married.”
So I ask Panlavee:
“So did you go out to have dinner with him before marriage?”.
“No” she answered me quickly.
“So how you will know how the man who choose you looks like?”
I feel curious.
“I saw his picture too and my husband come to my house 2 days after he choose me and we engaged. And the next day we got married” Panlavee said.
“It means you saw him very few times before that”, I said.
“Yes, on the date when we engaged, for a few hours, and again the day of the marriage” she answered me.
So I ask Panlavee’s husband “So you feel you like her when you saw her picture, right?”
He said:
“Yes, I like her when I saw her picture and I trust my mother because she chose all the lady’s pictures before showing me”
Well, I turn my face and call “Aunty, how do you find a girl for him? Where did you take the picture of those ladies from?”.
Many questions come out from my mind I really want to know how is it.
“I know they are from my daughter’s friend’s family or my cousin’s daughter” Aunty answers me.
“It means all those ladies, you know them?” I ask again.
“Yes” Aunty answered me.
“So how you know those ladies are good persons” I ask again because I am wondering.
“I decided by their family. If their parents are good, it means the daughter is good too” Aunty explains.
I start thinking about her idea same as my parent idea too.
“I married with my husband because he choose me, he is older than me 15 years old”, Aunty says.
“So do you have feeling of love?” I still want to know how she feels.
“First no, but later you will love each other. You can see I stay with him till now and he is a good man” Aunty smile and a bit laughing maybe because of my question.
So I turn the same question to Panlavee.
She also smiles before answer “Yes, I like my husband when I saw his picture at the first time too”.
Finished her answer I start thinking yes, that can happen without knowing as we call
“love at first sight”.
Maybe this is the indian way to make people use their senses, and they believe God created their soul mate somewhere.
I think many people believe like that, me too.
For 1 month I met Panlavee I know she is a good girl with respect for love.
Sometime I can see from Panlavee’s eyes that she is not happy.
I think maybe it’s not because of her married life but it might be missing freedom.
Because every time when I talk about my life as I work and I travel with Luca.
She told me that is great and that she I would lo
ve to get a job too.
But in her town they don’t give a job for a lady apart for some kinds of jobs such as nurse or teacher.
Now I found it’s not because how she married that makes us different but the level of
freedom we have.
In India men work outside and the women do housework. Even sawing or cutting cloth it’s not a job for a lady in Gokarna. It’s outside so is for a man.
I can say I am lucky not because I have chance to stay with someone I love.
But I am lucky to have freedom to do what I like. (if that thing does not make my par
ents cry).
I don’t think their culture is wrong because 50 year ago in Thailand we also did the same.
But now we change because ladies are stronger.
I don’t mean Indians ladies are not strong because they still have this style of marriage.
But if you understand and think well you will see their culture is not strange even if at first you feel it.
It’s just for safety, and their parents want to be sure that their children are happy with the right person.
That is from parent’s love and it can happen everywhere.
I think this is not like love yet, but it can be love because love doesn’t mean you choose or I choose but Love means many things.
It’s up to you to give it a meaning.
Sadness or Happiness can happen in everyone’s married life, not because other people hurt you but because you choose to be happy or sad.
As long as we learn to trust each other by pure heart, then the real love is not hard to find.
- My Travels , India , culture